Thursday, 07 June 2007

How to survive a shark attack.....

E-mail I received :

1: Don't swim in the ocean.
Ninety-nine percent of all shark attacks take place in exceptionally large bodies of water also known as oceans. The way to determine if you are currently in an ocean is to taste the water, which should be salty. (The other 1% is the subject of another discussion)
2: Listen out for the music.
In the event that you are foolish enough to swim in an ocean, listen carefully for the music, as demonstrated in the marvelous documentary film Jaws. All shark attacks are preceded by the "daah-da, daah-da" chords, which will gradually become more rapid as the shark gets closer.This is due to the Doppler Effect.
3: Swim with fat people.Try to surround yourself with more appetizing companions. If you know them well, you might even try to switch their suntan lotion with A-1 Seal Sauce. This will definitely improve your odds.
4: Don't go into the water without a knife.This is not to defend yourself but to stab the person (a.k.a the decoy) closest to you in the case of a shark attack. Once you are sure the "decoy" is bleeding profusely.....swim for your freekin life.
5: Zap the shark in the eye with a turd. Dont ask where you will find one, just feel around, there will be a enough

And finally
.....6: Don't panic.In the event that a shark actually bites you, try to remain calm. This really won't help you survive, but everyone else on the beach will appreciate you not shrieking madly, as this is quite unsettling
Hope this helps.


Suzanne Lieurance said...

How funny!

Just follow instruction #1 - don't swin the ocen - and then disregard all the other instructions.

Thanks for the laugh. This was cute.

National Writing for Children Center

Marloes said...

This put a smile on my face too. Thanks Graham

Carol said...

Graham you are hilarious!

harleyblues said...


hiya Grahmn,
Oh I started laughin right away!!! How to avoid a shark attack, don't go in the ocean!! I couldn't read anymore becuz I was laughin so hard and had to post to you right away, with a quickness

all the best Harleyblues