Saturday, 12 May 2007

Quasi Animal Lovers

Quasi Animal Lovers

One must be kind to animals and small children or you will not be considered by society at large as being good person. This is a fact. How many times does one hear the statement “ …is a proper arsehole but he loves children and animals….”.

This is a sweeping statement that covers a multitude of sins, and appears to be a free pass to a good public image. It is as if this statement negates any criticism you may be holding in reserve to nail an unsavoury bastard. How can you be mean to someone who is a known lover of animals and small children?

Let us limit this rambling to animals, specifically dogs. In the back of your mind remember children; it’s the same tune, just another band.

A common scenario is that of a mother and son on a visit to an animal lovers home. In order to compensate for her sibling’s dysfunctional social skills, it is necessary for her to boost the Brats perceived animal talents, to be awarded the free pass to social tolerance.

The part worth observing is when the quasi-animal lover makes first contact with the family pet. The Brat has been conditioned from experiences past to utter sounds similar to that heard at the beginning of an Oprah episode. This signifies joy and happiness, and warms the cockles of his mother’s heart. Having uttered his war cry the Brat is now obliged to target the dog and homes in on it like a stinger missile.

The owner cringes. Experience denies the possibility of avoiding the impending onslaught. Absolutely fruitless to try and remove the animal or warn against the impending danger. How can he deny this young animal lover the opportunity of publicly bonding with his pet?

Rendered defenceless by proper visitor etiquette, the intrusion is permitted and Johnny grabs the dog by the ears, administers the required Sumo squeeze, turns the dog over onto his back and zaps his face as close as he can to the dog for an eye to eye challenge that is only rivaled by two world heavy weight boxers standing off for a title fight.

Now the acid test.

What you will observe is what appears to be a sudden attack of rigor mortis. The helpless dog’s legs suddenly stick out at right angles to its body and he will play possum in a futile attempt to feign death. (Young Boxers are especially good at this). This action will be misinterpreted by the mother as a sign of cataclysmic orgasm, as a direct result of receiving the Brats undivided affection.

The second line of defence is the flattening of the ears. Oftentimes one will hear that when dogs pull back their ears, they are cowering, and this is a bad sign. Dogs that do this are not to be trusted. Ever wondered how your ears would react if they were given a hefty twist or had a half eaten ice cream plunged down into the depths of your inner hearing parts? This is out and out a defensive mechanism developed by dogs over eons of evolution. (The Daschund and Jack Russel breeds are masters of this form of defence.)

The third defence mechanism is the retraction of the tail, which usually occurs simultaneously with the flattening of the ears, and for similar reasons. Tails are handy things to pull. The shorter the tail the better the grip and therefore the deeper the tail will be drawn in between the hind legs. (Areas in which Dalmations and Greyhounds excel)

All defence options are exhausted and the dog instinctively knows which way the whole scenario is going. The eyes open wide, and take on the thousand-yard stare, as displayed by veterans that have had one combat tour too many. The animal is reaching the point of sheer panic. At this point the owner of the animal becomes anxious; he knows that the ground rules are about to change. Enough is enough. However, common sense never prevails, and the little bastard will continue with his unwanted and uncalled for affection, vocally supported by his socially retarded mother.

The next stage is the curling of the lips, exposing canines. This is when the defence and panic stages are transformed into the self-preservation stage. The supportive matriarch, who’s intellect is challenged only by that of a multi coloured garden gnome, falsely interprets this action as a sign of pleasure, as in a grin or a laugh. She continues to give Johnny vocal support, while looking around at all the guests to make sure that the significance of this moment is not lost. (Like someone nonchalantly looking around the pub after hitting 30 bonus games.)
At this point the dog has reached its limit of endurance, the point of no return is imminent. The poor owner has a dilemma, trying to find a balance between his social responsibility and his pets right to be protected against intruder domestic violence. A sudden urge arises to give the brat a backhand hard enough to swirl the snot around his head like a turbo charged hula-hoop.

At worst the owner brings the situation under control, at best, the little bastard gets a punctured bloody nose. Nevertheless the loser in the fable is the terrible dog and the owner who has no control over his pet. The Brat progresses to other encounters with the same results.

Truth be told, it is not how man accepts animals, but how animals accept man that separates the quasi from the true animal lovers. This is a gift earned and not claimed.

" If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man."
Mark Twain


1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Well done, I'm still smiling